I haven’t written in months. Honestly I haven’t felt like it. We aren’t going to continue to do infertility treatments.  His numbers bottomed out after the IUI and the meds were making him grow these weird fatty tumors.  So he came off the meds, had a couple places that grew really fast removed (and a mammogram for the one on his chest) and we decided we were done.

We have looked at, kinda looked at, adoption. The only the single only person in our family that even offered to help us fund raise or pretty much anything was my sister-in-law.  My dad insisted if we fund raise and the adoption failed, we were morally obligated to pay all of the money back. He also said he wouldn’t and couldn’t donate a dime to something that was not a “sure thing”.  My mother in law didn’t even offer.  My sisters feel bad for me, but have not offered to help.  So with so little support, (and I’m not even talking about financially) how the hell can we possibly do this? It’s all I can do most mornings to get out of bed (the stress of the new job has made the meniere’s much worse) and there seems to be no end in sight for the emptiness.

I still cry.  I still look at the kiddos in the store screaming and thank God they aren’t mine. I still feel so jealous. I still enjoy my freedom.  Its a strange duality that I can’t explain. The stress has caused my health to suffer.  And as I type this I am eating a strawberry store brand pop tart and sipping a coke. No way I’d pass a physical for adoption with the doc I have right now.  Meds for depression and anxiety, meds for the meniere’s (which is getting worse) and blood pressure and blood sugars that are borderline along with triglycerides that are too high. The ONLY thing that’s good is that my regular cholesterol is stellar.  Between the  drama at the new job and the stress that infertility has bestowed upon me, well, one can’t expect much better.

The other day a friend called and told me about this girl she knows who just found out she was pregnant and might want us to adopt.  Though it killed me to do so, I did the right thing and told my friend that we couldn’t even consider it until she has had some counseling and is further along.   A lot will change once she feels that baby move.

Oh what about the new job you ask…  well, I took a job doing the same thing  I was doing and it pays better. On my second day, the boss quit, the new mayor is a sexist pig, and the police chief quit. The books are a mess and I can’t get anyone to help me sort it out.  My hour each way commute is fun, but I’d rather be five minutes from home.

Ah, change.  I like my job, just not all the drama and politics. I’m exhausted from the emotional strain.


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