August fast approaches and I’m not sure I want to do another round of IUI. We have discussed this at length, and I don’t know if I can take it emotionally. Physically it really wasn’t too bad. A few very mild effects, but nothing I can’t deal with. The emotional roller coaster was too much. Even as I sit here thinking about it I am shaking with dread of another round and the emotional crash at the end.
Would I be content to be childless?
Would I be forever regret my lack of courage?
When I was a firefighter I feared little. I ran into burning buildings, repelled into storm drains, you know, the scary stuff. I was afraid, but I kept moving forward. Some of it was because I had a job to do, some of it was because I didn’t want to seem like a coward.
Now I am.
I am a coward. I am so afraid of being crushed again that I’m afraid to even think about the next steps. I always imagined myself being a mother. I always imagined having kids, and now I’m so afraid of the process that *might* have a chance.
You know they say its between 15% and less than 1% depending who you ask. The Dr (who makes money off of this) says 15% (but his numbers come from younger women) the statistics online (on medical and reputable sites) say 2% around my age not counting both of our issues….
Am I willing to gamble my emotional wellness on this minuscule chance? How much more can I take. The clock is ticking because once I hit 40 the game will be pretty much over. I’m done. I don’t want to be 60 and have a kid just graduate high school.
Is it fear or self preservation?
Am I a coward really or am I a realist?
Are we done or do we do this emotional torture again? I really just don’t know. I just don’t.
Waiting for Wild Flowers 