Not Sure If We Will Even Do A Second Round Of IUI

August fast approaches and I’m not sure I want to do another round of IUI.  We have discussed this at length, and I don’t know if I can take it emotionally.  Physically it really wasn’t too bad.  A few very mild effects, but nothing I can’t deal with. The emotional roller coaster was too much.  Even as I sit here thinking about it I am shaking with dread of another round and the emotional crash at the end.

Would I be content to be childless?

Would I be forever regret my lack of courage?

When I was a firefighter I feared little. I ran into burning buildings, repelled into storm drains, you know, the scary stuff.  I was afraid, but I kept moving forward.  Some of it was because I had a job to do, some of it was because I didn’t want to seem like a coward.

Now I am.

I am a coward.  I am so afraid of being crushed again that I’m afraid to even think about the next steps. I always imagined myself being a mother.  I always imagined having kids, and now I’m so afraid of the process that *might* have a chance.

You know they say its between 15% and less than 1% depending who you ask.  The Dr (who makes money off of this) says 15% (but his numbers come from younger women) the statistics online (on medical and reputable sites) say 2% around my age not counting both of our issues….

Am I willing to gamble my emotional wellness on this minuscule chance?  How much more can I take.  The clock is ticking because once I hit 40 the game will be pretty much over.  I’m done. I don’t want to be 60 and have a kid just graduate high school.

Is it fear or self preservation?

Am I a coward really or am I a realist?

Are we done or do we do this emotional torture again?  I really just don’t know. I just don’t.


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