There is No Solace in Infertility

No peace.  No solace. None.

We did the IUI.  It was as good a picture as we could have hoped for.  10.1 million sperm post wash, my great follicles, and all of that.  The next week we did a blood test to see if I ovulated. And I did!!

I’m not supposed to test until the tomorrow.  But I had a low dose of the hcg and it was well out of my system.  So I tested with the uber sensitive early response test last night.  Yea, I held my pee for hours so I’d have a good sample.

BFN.

Big Fat Negative.

I’m going to test again in the morning to be sure. You, know, following protocol.

But I’m pretty sure that this round was a bust.  A waste of 400 bucks.

So I wasn’t going to cry, I mean we knew it was a long shot at best.  But I did.  I cried those ugly cries, and my dear sweet husband held me and comforted me.

I’m still pretty down this morning. I’m right exhausted to be honest.

I want to be a mommy, but I’m ready for this bullshit to be over.  I’m ready to move on and heal and no longer hurt like this.  I’m ready for closure.  But we have to do this again.  I have to know there is 100% no hope what so ever.

God bless it, I’m so tired.

 

It’s Been A While…

So a medication change, stress, and the general hell that is infertility finally took its toll.  I was sent to counseling by work and now I’m taking medication to even me out.

Yup.  A shrink and happy pills.

They did drop that beta blocker that caused me to have issues. So there is that. That I think did more to help than anything. It made me all kinds of crazy.

I’m in a much better place now.  We have had to delay even thinking about an IUI because of the hubby’s med change AND he had the flu.

So here we are, its June.  About a year from the time we found out the hubby had issues too. You could fill a tanker truck with the tears I’ve cried this year.

So tomorrow we do the IUI.  I had a follicle scan yesterday and I have two beautiful follicles (one on each ovary)  and my uterine lining is really good.  So one thing is good.  We will know for 100% next week if I ovulated for sure and those lovelies weren’t cysts.  But the femara seems to have worked, and I took the Hcg shot last night.  Its just a waiting game now.  Hopefully the sample my dear hubby provides will have enough, and hopefully those little guys will find eggies, and hopefully they will make an embryo that implants perfectly, and hopefully that baby will grow and be healthy and wonderful and I’ll have an easy pregnancy that’s healthy and an easy healthy delivery and a happy healthy baby….

Lots of hope bleeding through the darkness.  Lots can still go wrong, horribly wrong.  My councilor said I needed to let myself hope.  I had already started a secret board on pintrest with pregnancy announcements.  The hubby said not to get my hopes up yet.

I drempt last night that the IUI didn’t work.  I also remember in the dream a tuxedo cat we had named Clouseau.  Last night Ares curled up to my belly where I had to do the injection.  It was too sweet. He is my healing kitty.  I don’t know if that means much, but maybe he knows.

So there’s the update.  It’s not much, but maybe it is everything.

 

(Oh, and don’t tell anyone we aren’t making this known to family until the cycle is complete)