This time last year we were talking about the baby we figured we’d have by now. Clearly that was given up back in June when the infertility issues became ours and not just mine.
So we trudged along to this year, ready to surprise everyone with hand made gifts and fun.
And lo, I got a stomach bug. I spent Christmas either asleep or being sick. My wonderful family was kind enough to send videos of everything going on via text. Our unopened gifts sit at my dad’s house waiting our arrival.
The thing is, I still feel like crap. I’m pretty sure he is going to waive us off until New Year.
I missed Christmas essentially. No packages, no turkey, no cranberries or custard. Just ginger ale and broth.
Talk about insult to injury. This time last year I fully expected a “first Christmas”, now we are talking about how the hell we are going to afford IUI, and IF (huge if) we can even get there. It’s that dire.
Merry Christmas to me. The Christmas that wasn’t meant to be.
Limbo is someplace between Heaven and Hell but not amongst the living. Its also someplace between babies and infertility.
The RE visit yesterday went well. I guess. He didn’t yell at me for my weight, nor did he seem judgmental. He was matter of fact and suggested I try a diet for PCOS and explained how and why it would work.
He also said that because the sperm counts on the hubby were so off there was no need in doing anything until we got his numbers back. In the meantime I had 8 tubes of blood drawn to test for everything you could possibly imagine, and another couple to be drawn next week. Then if those numbers are off, we will look at other meds for me and after the hubby’s tests come back we will decide if we need to move forward with testing for my tubes, OR if we are IVF candidates only, and then we are done.
So I’m stressing about the blood work. I’m stressing that my hubby’s blood work isn’t where it needs to be for sperm production. I’m stressing that some people I love aren’t supportive.
I’m stressing that I’m going to spend money we don’t have on something that can’t work.
I’m stressing that my dream is over and I’m too stupid or foolish to know it.
Three more months in limbo. More like hell if you ask me.
I started getting nervous last night. That RE appointment is today, in about two and a half hours. I’m so afraid of what they are going to tell me. Are they going to tell me there is little hope? Are they going to tell me my only hope is IVF? Are they going to tell me (and this is my greatest fear) that I’m simply too fat.
My heart is pounding and my head is all full of every possibility you can imagine. Both of us want some sort of answer today. We want this to be over. We want them to tell us its over, OR there is no reason to fear we have every chance in the world of it happening.
I don’t see the latter being the case. Unless they are simply chasing the dollar signs we don’t have.
I’m kinda angry that we have to even consider money in this game. Crack Whores are spinning out babies as fast as they can, and here I am drug free for life, ready to be a mommy, and the fates are intervening.
Sure they are. My life has been a string of bitter disappointments, that though I, like a phoenix, rose from the ashes, the end result is that my plans were never going to be the thing that actually happened.
I’m whining again. Sorry. It comes out more when I’m hurt or scared.
If we get the negative answer I will have to grieve it.
So the Hubby’s appointment went well, I guess. The stats aren’t normal, but they are improved. Still waiting on blood work to see if its the medicine or a “natural cycle”, but it is better than the last one.
The urologist insisted I go to the RE, so I called to make an appointment. They are going to get me in to see the dr next week.
That was fast.
And on day 3 or 4 of my cycle so they can run some important bloodwork. So the timing is really good. Some of that bloodwork will let me know if we are barking up a wrong tree, or if we have a chance of conceiving.
I have no idea where we will get the money to do the testing and maybe a procedure or two. (not IVF that’s WAY too expensive)
All I can see between me an a baby right now are dollar signs. effing dollar signs.
Maybe the appointment next week will let me know where I actually stand so I can figure out if we can afford a car that my hubby needs. His is falling apart.
Maybe if I know where I stand I will also begin to have some sort of closure or real honest to God hope. Hope and Faith are in very short supply.
How much is this going to cost me is not the question I want to ask when I think about having a family.
I want this whole thing to be over so I can figure out where our life is actually going to lead.
The next step is to wait and see…