When I came home the other day from work, I looked at my house. I looked at it and it is clearly the home of childless adults. Its pretty clean, the cats have full run of the place, and our world is designed around us. I told my husband we had a freedom that was envied by our friends with families. We have a life and we live it as we please.
I think about the simplicity of a child free life. And I think about the emptiness. It IS empty. Its vastly empty, for me anyway. Maybe that’s just my hormones screaming. This is a very confusing time. My heart and soul cry out for a baby, but logically I think about how that’s not going to happen without a miracle, and logically I think about the way our lives will change.
I’m trying to accept the fact that we may have a childless life all while wanting to hold my own baby more than I have wanted anything in the world.
Its a confusing time.
A childless life might be easier, cheaper and less complicated, but I can not imagine it being as fulfilling or as wonderful as a life full of kids.
I feel as if I have no direction or purpose anymore. If I can not produce offspring, and I’m not working some great and valiant job, what good am I to this world?
Don says my purpose is to be his wife. And he is right, but I feel like there is something more I’m supposed to do. Beats me as to what that something is, but its been eating at me since I left the fire service. In a childless life I will have the time to so those things I feel driven to do. The tough part is figuring out exactly what that “thing” is.
And YES I have prayed about it. Nonstop for a very long time. Right now I can not see past the grief of infertility, and the promise of freedom they tell me I will find in a child free life.
I’m not on the fence, but I’m trying to accept the great probability that I’ll never hold a baby of my own. My anger at God right now is difficult to contain. If I only knew for 100% (rather than 99%) sure we’d never have kids, I could start healing and planning that child free life. If I only knew for sure that God has some grand plan behind the last door, I’d be less anxious and more trusting.
But my faith is worn and I’m not sure its even there. They tell me that in these difficult times when you only see one set of footprints its because God carried you. I only see my own and Don’s in the sand of life, and I so wanted to see a smaller set (or three) along with.
My entire world has stopped spinning, and my dreams and hopes are on hold. My child less house is clean, my child less life uncomplicated, my world is empty and meaningless.
I’ll always be a believer. I’ll always be saved. But I think I’m done begging God for help. I’m done trying to pray for my hearts desire. I just want to know “why”. Why did God decide that crackheads and whores get to have babies and I don’t? Why do people who are bad to their children get to have a family and those of us that would give anything we had to have a family are left with our hearts broken? I wouldn’t wish this grief on anyone, but I just wish God would tell me why. He doesn’t owe me anything, but I still want an answer.
Why do I have to look at my life and into my future and see a child less life?
We will see if that 1% (less than that really, but I rounded up) chance produces a baby. A healthy happy child. I do not believe it will. I am past hope at this point and I’m trying to embrace the childless life I believe is waiting for us.