A deep melancholy settled across our hearts after the terrors of that foster care class had disrupted our sleep and our hearts. We are self aware enough to realize we can not emotionally or spiritually withstand the “system” and the horrors that these kids have been through.
Our self-awareness is great for the kiddos, but not so much for us. We are simply self aware enough to know what our limitations are. Unless God himself comes down from Heaven and changes our mind, we are where we are in this journey.
Not that our decision doesn’t break my heart. It does. We don’t have the money to do a private adoption or the IVF protocols that it would take to get us pregnant (if its even possible then)…
We’ve always dreamed of having children. We’ve always dreamed of being parents. The end of that dream is actually in sight and we are so devastated that there is no word or string of words that could possibly encompass the feeling of an empty womb. Or a quiet house. Or an empty heart.
If money were no option we would have other choices. As it is we have to see if there is a vague possibility of us conceiving given the dire fertility diagnosis we both received. Basically if we are going to have a child, God will have to miracle us one. And I won’t believe its going to actually happen until I’m holding a live, healthy baby in my arms.
Maybe our hearts will change. But the class traumatized us, and made us realize that our dreams might not be whats best if we are not emotionally equipped or prepared for a child with such serious emotional needs, or if the system will make it even worse by lying and simply being broken.
So where do we stand? We are only going to have a family if God heals us and makes it happen. There is ALOT God will have to do, and Im not sure I have the faith to believe it can happen after all of this. But I’m trying.
Waiting for Wild Flowers 