Tomorrow we go back to the urologist to see what is causing the issues with my dear hubby. There may be no explanation for the issue. There may be a “correctable” issue. We have ruled out most of the really bad stuff, so there is a blessing there. There is no reason or rhyme to some things with infertility. Even if the Hubby is “repairable” I may not be.
Damn it!! Why does it have to be like this? Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this? Why didn’t anyone tell me that the greatest heartbreak of my life thus far was going to be that I’d never have a family? Why must I suffer? Why do crackheads get babies and we don’t? Why is God so unfair?
Why is God so unfair?
That’s the question that makes me afraid of tomorrow. What will they tell us? Will it be our only hope is the unaffordable IVF? Will they tell me that we are too fat? (That’s bull I see really large people have kiddos, so lets not blow it off with that, I mean damn, I’m not THAT big) Will they tell us that I’m the only one holding us back? Will they find something bad?
I’m a worrier. And I know God is unfair. Its all in His plan and sometimes it isn’t fair to us. Or at least it doesn’t seem to be.
I expect to be disappointed to some degree. Or maybe I’ll have a full break down.
Maybe closure is in store…. I really don’t know….
I just know I’m ready for answers even if I’m scared of what they might be.